Corky Simpson: Yes, you can have it all, and all can have it

A lot of people have expressed concern lately about my hearing, my snoring, my spine, strengthening my abs, whitening my teeth and generally putting more razzmatazz into my life.

But the one that got my attention the most was an offer in the mail not long ago to put my name in a drawing for a free, pre-paid cremation. No trial offers or samples were available.

I put that one on the back burner, so to speak.

It seems we’re being bombarded day in and day out with all sorts of muscle building, primping, brushing, massaging, forever-young, life-extending ointments and pills, sprays and swills.

Not to mention expensive gymnasium equipment, miracle creams and blending machines that turn alfalfa into a really nice drink. Uh, yeah, sure. Green glop is so lip-smacking, downright mouth-watering.

Narcissism is big business these days.

And then there’s cremation, in case that trips your trigger.

It’s all part of the crazy world of advertising. A lot of us in Green Valley probably recall Hadacol, the last great patent medicine, I guess. In the 1940s and 50s, Hadacol was the most talked about — and joked about — snake oil in the world.

It made you feel better, made you want to romp and stomp like a young feller and, well, it just made the worries of the world go by, so to speak.

I understand the most “active” ingredient in Hadacol was its potency of something like 10- or 12-proof alcohol. That was no doubt listed on the side of the bottle as an “essential organic substance.” A preservative, maybe, in that a person could get pickled.

Hadacol was part of the culture and brought us a lot of laughs. It undoubtedly made a lot of people feel better, too, at least for a while.

Polite junk mail and seductive television advertising aimed at our weakness for wanting to be young again, with the vim and vigor we had as kids, are advertising gold mines.

Whether liniments, ointments, pills or gymnasium equipment, the pitches come our way in the form of enticing fast balls, curve balls and sliders. Maybe even a spitball now and then.

Dye your hair, straighten your teeth, freshen your breath, build up those biceps and get rid of toenail fungus...

And you’ll enjoy life a lot more.

You’ll keep a lot of mail order businesses operating, too. And a lot of laboratories running day and night, with kettles and cauldrons and test tubes burbling and zapping and pouring out healthy stuff.

Television is loaded with — in fact some channels seem to be supported entirely by — “paid programming,” in which some interviewer gets the low-down on some miracle cure or supplement. In many cases, the expert tells the interviewer the medical and pharmaceutical establishments “don’t want you to know” about their magic elixir. Or they pitch their latest book on how to live to be 150 or whatever.

It’s entertaining television and it’s well put together. It may even work, I don’t know.

But this much is for sure: there’s a lot of it going around.

However, if you’re not interested in looking younger, or if you don’t want to spend the time and effort to build a set of steel abdominal muscles, or read some boring how-to literature or drink green glop from a blender...

Check your mail. You may get an offer to have you name placed in a drawing for a free, pre-paid cremation.

Now, you can’t beat a deal like that, can you?

Corky Simpson is a former Tucson Citizen columnist who writes a weekly column for the Green Valley News.