Movie Review: Predictable and stilted, ‘Bangkok Dangerous’ plays it safe

Wouldn’t it be great to watch an assassin fall in love? To hear the pitter patter of his heart between the bang bangs of his rifle?

The Pang brothers are banking on the fact that audiences will swoon over a hard core killer who’s small heart might grow three sizes one day. Nicolas Cage‘s heart is lacking that Grinch potential which means “Bangkok Dangerous” will lack box office potential.

Cage is Joe (assuming his last name is Schmo), an assassin-for-hire that’s forced to live his life in obscurity due to his profession of choice. He’s given a target, finds a pad, hires a “disposable” assistant and gets the job done.

There are four rules Joe goes by. We know this because he tells us — narrating almost every move.

Voiceovers can often be helpful, but when there’s too much explaining of action one starts to wonder why the director doesn’t just show us instead of tell us. Narration done by Cage himself is a reoccurring thing in his films and it gets old. He’s a solid actor, but we wonder where this guy would be without his uncle, Francis Ford Coppola.

Joe receives what he decides will be his last assignment to kill four men in Bangkok. He relocates and looks for a sidekick killer.

He comes across his version of Short Round in Kong (Shahkrit Yamnarm), a street-wise thug who’s more than eager to assist for the right price (in a “Pretty Woman” type negotiation).

Joe plans on getting rid of Kong after all is said and done, but ends up liking the kid and takes him under his wing.

This is where things get a bit silly (which could be sensed in the preview — pay close attention to these 90 second snips and follow your gut) with Cage as the martial arts master.

After they’re done using watermelons for target practice, the teacher shows Kong some more moves.

At one point, with the delivery of David Caruso (of “NYPD Blue” and “CSI: Miami” fame), Cage says, “again, again, again” and the audience at this critic’s showing laughed out loud. Don’t think that’s the effect the Pangs were going for there.

Even weirder is the love story woven into this badly layered cinema cake. While in a drug store Joe asks a clerk for help with a wound and is instantly smitten with her, eventually asking her out.

She is deaf, which would usually make for an interesting love story, but her falling for Cage as an assassin is just plain wrong — like the poor Gene Simmons-imitation wig worn on the star’s head. That wig is like a separate character.

There are sporadic sequences of action — like an arm being sliced off by a propeller and bullets being sprayed through a target and the bottom of his boat — but it’s not enough and we’ve seen most of it before.

Speaking of seen, Cage has been in 19 films since the break of the millennium and has 10 more completed or in some form of production.

“I go where I’m told to and do what I’m told,” is a line from the film and seems to be a certain someone’s M.O.

Let the Cage fatigue begin.

Adrienne Mackey is the film critic for the Green Valley News.

The Details

2/4 Stars

Action/Crime/Thriller

Run time: 99 minutes.

Rated R for violence, language and some sexuality.

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Shahkrit Yamnarm, Charlie Yeung.

Written by: Jason Richman, Jason Richman.

Directed by: Oxide Pang Chun, Danny Pang.