The Single Life: Singled out

A faraway girl friend and I were talking on the phone the other day. Her marriage, rocky from the start, finally had hit the “that’s it” stage. I have known the family forever. Both husband and wife are professionals and their 4 children are all married now.

My friend was at the other end of the phone for me when things started to fray in my own marriage. There is very little that didn’t get shared. I was the one who put everything down and backed away from better or worse.

How did you get through it, she kept asking? How did you live under the same roof? How did you keep yourself headed out the door? How did you do everything?

Honestly, I couldn’t give her the Divorce for Dummies answers. What I could do was listen and listen some more and that’s what worked and that is what she needed.

Women, I am thinking, all know how to set the table for dinner. Women memorize big things and tiny little things that capture their attention. We are tuned into the the subtle tones of a voice, the voice on the telephone, the voice that heals and the voice that wounds. Women can do a chore over and over again and while the grout in the shower glistens, it’s doubtful that an hour later it will be remembered. However, what was going on in her mind doing the scrubbing, will stay.

Women like to talk. Women will talk to other women who are complete strangers. Women will ask other women questions that are straight out and personal and stand in the middle of the aisle at Safeway and discuss what kind of deodorant works best.

Love your hair. Is that diet water really worth the extreme price? How many pounds have you lost/gained? Don’t get me started on my gynecologist.

Men work on part of that same level with other men, except they carry a well-defined territorial routine.

How’s it going?

Just great.

How’s the golf?

Not great, but I keep playing. Good to see you.

Same.

And at the time, that’s all they need or want.

What’s for dinner?

Scallops.

Sure smells good.

Fix yourself a drink, and I’ll go set the table.

We have all been asked to do the impossible and in doing the impossible we have learned that what loomed so large and mean and was so frightening, actually could be managed by taking most of the emotion out of the picture and focusing on actions and not words. Which was a life lesson for me and now would be a lesson for my friend.

And somehow during the process of unraveling a marriage, you begin to find that all of the emotions you freely shared don’t translate well onto a legal pad. You get this and he gets that and the court blesses the filing with a signature stamp. Maybe it was the right thing to do. Maybe not.

But you do move on and perhaps let go of a lot of memories, both pleasurable and painful. It’s a selective process that you now own.

Sure it gets lonely, I will tell my friend. Sure you need to find your own way dealing with what will ultimately become your new life. However, women never lose the ability to bend towards you if they are asked.

Divorce is never going to be wrapped up in a bow, but given sufficient time, you will know that when the giving and the getting are finished, you are worth more and can stop wondering why.

Mary Ann Linforth is a freelance writer. Contact her at maryannlinforth@aol.com.