The Single Life: What was that you said?

Have you ever written a love letter? Your mind was so full of wonderful things to say. Then you would wait for the mail to bring you one back. That letter would be as rich as currency, saved and tied up with blue ribbon.

All that time spent sending devotions may well have turned into a marriage. You were able to keep alive all that yearning and all those promises. The writing may have stopped, but you really did live happily ever after.

What did change was how you handled yourself outside that marriage. All that safety and comfort didn’t matter a fig to the new people you met or the strangers on the bus or the members of the PTA. There was a whole different world outside your front door. A world that did not take the time to personally write you back, but had time to use words — sometimes fired at you — some dripping with malaise and some whispered behind the hand.

I have learned to recognize a sentence ending with a question mark takes some quick thinking to fashion the right response. The simple yes and no ones are easy. It is the questions that catch you and make you rummage around for the answer that are tough. The Loaded Question. A question you didn’t see coming. Likely a question that really did not expect an answer but a reaction instead. Keep on eye out for those.

A yes/no example:

Did you know your rear tail light was out? The kindly officer has already started to write the ticket. You want to spend some quality time explaining the circumstances of the defective light. The officer isn’t likely to have a sympathetic ear. As it turns out he has only given you a ‘fix-it ticket’ and running your mouth could have been a big mistake.

A loaded question:

Why is it that when I ask you to do a simple thing like taking out the trash you make such a federal care out of it? Good luck with that.

These situations come at an instant. When I think back to words that I have said in haste, wishing only to deflect and protect myself, the words were as mean-spirited as the question.

There are those who use questions to provoke and thus enjoy the role as a controller. There is a real cycle to this especially if you are in an unsteady relationship. Singles likely have been on both sides of this question mark. The controller has already mapped out your weaknesses. A word, a look, the language of your body. It only takes a split second to give yourself away.

To diffuse this control takes some mental exercise. Exercise that requires as much time and energy as going through a physical workout. Do this long enough and you will begin to listen more, to stop trying to form an answer before you understand the question.

When I speak before a mixed audience or a singles group there is usually a question and answer session that follows. I have time to hear the question, to repeat it so as to understand it, and to take in some silence before I answer. Not only is that silence effective, it gives me time to consider how to craft a response.

My mother-in-law was 80 at the beginning of my marriage and 98 when it was over. On occasion, she would turn to her son and say: Looks like you’re putting on some weight, son. A statement for sure, but it also carried a well-crafted question mark. How do you not reply to this without going on the defensive?

Words that turn into questions may be long remembered. So listen well and understand completely what is being asked of you. If you only get one shot at an answer, make sure it counts. Sometimes the best answer to a question is silence.

Mary Ann Linforth is a freelance writer. Contact her at maryannlinforth@aol.com.