Annie’s Mailbox: Accept your mother's limitations

Dear Annie: I am 24 years old and in considerable debt due to my mother.

I didn’t want to press charges, so I’m struggling to pay it off.

Mom won’t even talk about it. I am planning to be married next year, and my fiance is helping me financially.

Despite the situation, my mother comes crying to us anytime anything is wrong or she needs money, but nothing I do is ever good enough.

I just graduated from college after putting it off in order to work full time and pay down the debt.

But when I invited her to attend the graduation ceremony, she said, “I have to sit through the whole thing? I have a life, too, you know.“

I’m tired of overlooking her faults while she doesn’t care about anything I do.

After every conversation with her, I feel miserable, and it has put a lot of stress on my relationship with my fiance.

I don’t want to give up on Mom, but it sometimes feels as if I haven’t had a mother for a while. What do I do?

Tired of Being the Parent

Dear Tired: Try to accept your mother’s limitations because, frankly, she isn’t capable of being less self-involved.

Instead, learn to set boundaries and keep an emotional distance so you aren’t sucked into her guilt-laden vortex.

Don’t spend more time with her than you can handle, and listen to her complaints with half an ear.

You aren’t responsible for solving her problems.

Counseling might help you find a way to maintain a relationship without so much misery. Please consider it.

Dear Annie: I work as an assistant to “Mr. Smith,” as does “Beatrice.”

But I am definitely a second-class citizen because Beatrice is a close friend of the boss and his wife. They socialize together.

It is not unusual for my boss to talk with Beatrice about places they went or events I have no knowledge of. I can’t contribute to the conversation because I am deliberately excluded.

When it comes to company business, Beatrice has all the answers because the boss keeps her up to date, and she makes sure to keep that information to herself.

This behavior has filtered out to the other employees so that when Beatrice isn’t in, they don’t accept my offers to help. They wait until she returns to her desk.

I am finding it harder and harder to work here, and there is nowhere else to go in this company except out the door.

Should I tell Beatrice how I feel? I know she will go to the boss with it.

Or, should I just suck it up and make the best of it?

Losing My Self-Esteem

in New England

Dear New England: Instead of telling Beatrice, who relishes her superior position, talk to the boss. Approach it from a professional standpoint, not a personal one.

Explain that being out of the loop prevents you from doing your job as well as you might, and also keeps others from utilizing your skills.

If he does nothing, you can go to Human Resources and put your complaint on the record.

Beyond that, your choice is to put up with it or find another job. Sorry.

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. Copyright 2008 Creators Syndicate Inc.