The Single Life: Things you can stick in your ear

Good morning, class! I know that you all signed up for either Pole Dancing 101 or the continuing series on What Women Really Want, Part 67.

Unfortunately, both these classes were overbooked. Pay attention next time the brochure comes in the mail and register early.

These extension classes fill up quickly.

The school has asked me to run my single lecture entitled, “Things that you can Stick in your Ear,” as a courtesy.

I can tell that a good many of you are disappointed and grumpy, but this lecture is entirely free. You may either stay or go. Consider it a goodwill gesture from the school.

When I pitched this subject to the administration they were curious to hear the content, but once into the material, I could see smiles on some faces and some enthusiastic nodding.

Since this topic is a one-time filler, the vote was all thumbs up. I don’t understand the concept of the thumb being shorthand for yes or no. I didn’t stay around to wonder about it, either.

Our thumbs have become such a universal symbol of good and bad. Our fingers can sign emotions now. Pretty soon we will all sink into hand signals and text messaging.

Things that you can stick into your ear are extremely good and extremely just as bad. Take hearing aids, for example.

Long ago, shortly after those great pictures of men holding a funnel up to their ear to capture sound, science developed the kind of aid that not only went into and around your ear, but came with a cord and box where you could control the volume.

Not exactly a fashion statement, but the neat thing was that you could turn the dial and enjoy some silence now and then.

Today there are many choices. In-the-ear hearing aids fit completely inside the outer ear. There are aids that are made to fit the size and shape of your ear’s canal.

No telltale black boxes anymore. You do have to take the time to get used to the insertion, removal and replacement of batteries, but all this technology sure helps if you are sensitive to wearing an aid in the first place.

If you have a bedmate who snores or you are just a light sleeper, the drugstore is a good place to shop for ear buds that you can actually mold to fit in your ears that will at least cut down sounds. They work for swimmers, too.

The younger crowd cannot do without the iPod. You can download hundreds of songs into this very compact piece of technology, stick the dual ear buds in and listen over and over to just about any recorded piece of music.

The best thing is that the person wearing those ear buds can sit right beside you on an airplane or at the library and you won’t have to hear any of it.

The worst thing is possibly that a whole generation will stand in line for hearing aids down the line. You don’t play the Rolling Stones at low volume.

Finally, class, my own personal chide goes to those who talk on their cell phones simply by wearing an ear piece. This bothers me on several levels.

For example, I’m in the supermarket looking over the pork chops and the person next to me is having a one-sided conversation about unclogging a drain. Worse still are the ones at the library who actually answer their cell phones and talk in that “can-you-hear-me-now” voice.

All this to say that we are becoming an ill-mannered, impatient and grammatically challenged bunch, no matter what age group. We can stick things into our ears that help us.

Other than that, we can simply communicate our feelings by the use of one finger which also is just rude, but requires no batteries.

Class dismissed. TYVM!

Mary Ann Linforth is a Green Valley freelance writer. Contact her at maryannlinforth@aol.com.