Life Transitions: About sharing ourself

While this article is mainly aimed at newcomers, there are elements that pertain to older neighborhoods as well.

It may seem like a strange topic for an article, but I have promised to write about the things we all know personally but rarely talk about in public.

For instance, pain is one of the most distinctly private issues for most of us. Stiff upper lip and all that!

But let’s face it! It’s a rare one among us that has not had their own bouts of pain, physical or emotional, and while we may be very fit and healthy in the present, we all know there will be some discomfort in our life before we leave this planet.

You men, especially, were taught to bury your pain, but we women are not free of the embarrassment or the shame in having to admit that all is not well with us and that we are experiencing pain of one kind or another.

The number of ways that pain can come into our life seems to be endless. As an example, last week I had lunch with an old friend of mine who is worried about her husband. Not a usual lunch topic but we really got to the bottom of some issues that she was in pain about, concerning her husband’s ongoing deterioration. Instead of that lunch date being a “downer,” both of us were energized by our frank and genuine exchange.

Where did we learn the almost universal response to pain and suffering that makes it another one of the “little secrets” that we are supposed to keep to ourselves? Wherever its origin, it has kept us from using our capacity for empathy, sympathy and generosity.

When we feel fear or hesitation about intervening, when a friend or neighbor is experiencing pain in some way, our current response is prompted often by the fear of interfering and overstepping our territory, to ask if we can be of assistance.

Of course, this is not true of those whom we are familiar with, but where do good manners and proper protocol enter when someone we know is in danger or in pain? They often enter when we, in order to keep our self-esteem afloat, act as if there are no problems in our life and keep everything on a polite or casual level.

We have all come here from somewhere else and that fact alone makes us vulnerable and perhaps a bit shy. Even though there are many events, classes and outings offered here, in Green Valley that does not count as intimacy.

And intimacy is what this article is addressing. How did we get so afraid of interacting in other’s lives that people, who see each other every day, coming and going, know so little about one another?

Even here in Green Valley we are afraid of interfering. And I am talking about our close neighbors or people that we play golf or tennis with or even those in clubs and events offered by GVR where we know very little other than their name and sometimes not even that?

Somewhere between generations, too many of us have lost the sense of neighborhood and what it means to be a neighbor.

An example my husband and I experienced recently was when a neighbor who heard that my husband was ill with Valley Fever, knocked on our door and offered to drive him to the doctor or in some other way to be of assistance. We were overwhelmed with gratitude at his offer. And he was not one of the close-by neighbors, either.

So what is going on in society these days that we have adopted such casual connections? Why is it more prevalent than scarce? If we can say why it is happening, then maybe we can choose on a personal basis not to go by what is current and begin to operate out of a different set of behaviors…ones that bring us closer to each other in healthy ways.

We think sometimes that being reared in the city makes people more separate, but in the cities that I have lived in, there were always the few who took it upon themselves to become more than just the people next door. And I have heard the same complaints from people in small towns, rural areas and in apartments and condos.

We have developed a pattern of letting some people who are more neighborhood oriented make the first move, but, is it fair to rely on these people when we could make a decision that we will stretch ourselves beyond our comfort zone?

I know we have all kinds of ways of meeting people here in Green Valley, but what I am offering is the concept of neighborhood intimacy. Not pushy or intruding, but open to being aware of who our neighbors are to a greater degree than knowing their name, or their dog!!

I invite comments from those of you who have an intentional neighborhood already created and/or those who would be interested in getting together and brain-storming how to create a neighborhood that works for everyone and offers more than street lights and waste disposal!

I have touched on this topic recently but I was asked by a neighbor of mine to emphasize this point again in hope that changes can occur more rapidly and that we will take a chance at being a good neighbor sooner than too late.

Aurora Hayes is Green Valley resident, originally from California.

Her graduate degree is in adult counseling. She is also a certified clinical hypnotherapist who has worked over 40 years in the field of emotional health education and support. Her private practice in California included counseling for families, couples and individuals. She and her husband moved to Green Valley in 2004. Contact her at aurorahayes@cox.