Annie’s Mailbox: Masculine features a problem for woman

Dear Annie: I am a 40-year-old single woman who happens to have broad shoulders. In my 30s, people occasionally joked that I looked like a guy, and over the years, it’s gotten progressively worse.

Although I do my best to be feminine (hair, makeup, nails, dresses, etc.), it doesn’t help because folks sometimes think I’m a drag queen.

Annie, it’s awful. I’ve experienced harassment at work. Although I reported it, my former boss fired me out of fear of being sued.

When it happened at my next job, I didn’t say anything, but I can’t stand it any longer. One of my co-workers told everyone I had a “secret gay life.”

Human Resources is aware of the harassment, and everyone had to sit through classes on discrimination.

Still, one of my managers tried to override the password on my voice mail after the latest round of rumors in order to find out what I was hiding.

I’ve even shown co-workers my birth certificate and pictures of me growing up, but it hasn’t made any difference.

I am a Christian woman and a virgin. This is incredibly offensive to me.

I rarely go out anymore. I’m tired of the stares, the offensive remarks and the unfortunate things people think about those living as transvestites—even though I am not.

My parents can’t believe people could be so cruel and assume it’s all in my head. Believe me, I wish it were.

I’ve gone to counseling to get a handle on the stress.

How do other masculine-looking women cope with the stares, the smirks, the giggles and the offensive comments

Never (Ever) a Guy

Dear Never a Guy: The harassment you are getting at work may be actionable under the law, so please discuss it with an attorney.

No one should be permitted to bully or treat you so shabbily (or fire you!) because of a perceived impression of your sexual orientation.

As for the rest, try to be less defensive. You cannot control what others think, but you can learn acceptance and develop confidence in your own body—whatever it looks like. Since you are seeing a counselor, ask to work on this.

Dear Annie: I have a 14-year-old grandson who is a hugger. “Teddy” will say hello and goodbye with a hug, which is great. But my concern is how much he wants to hug in between.

It’s not unusual for Teddy to walk up two or three times during a visit and want a hug. And they aren’t brief hugs.

I am concerned about a boy this age wanting to be hugged so much, so often.

He gets plenty of affection from his parents. What should be said to him and by whom?

Concerned Grandma

Dear Grandma: Some kids, boys as well as girls, are huggers. They love the physical contact, and by itself, it’s nothing to worry about.

Is this a recent phenomenon? Does Teddy hug women more than men? (Some young boys use hugging as an acceptable way to touch women.)

Is Teddy’s intellectual and physical development normal? If so, he’s likely to tone down the hugging as he gets older, and we’d let his parents handle it. Say nothing.

Happy Passover to all our Jewish readers.

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. Copyright 2008 Creators Syndicate Inc.