Annie’s Mailbox: Social services needs to know about problem

Dear Annie: For the last 18 months, my sister’s two young daughters have been living with my mother. My sister has a history of alcohol and drug abuse, and though she cleaned up and was a good parent for many years, she fell apart during her divorce from the girls’ father and has gone back to abusing. My entire family suspects she also has undiagnosed mental health issues. The girls’ father suffers from depression and shows no interest in being a full-time parent.

My mother is 71 years old. She takes excellent care of the girls, but nothing is being done to address their long-term needs.I want my mother to file a report with Social Services so my sister and her ex will be forced to get treatment and counseling. If they are unable to put their family back together, the girls can then be placed under permanent guardianship, hopefully with my mother.

My mother is afraid to call Social Services for fear of losing the girls due to her age and living arrangements. She lives above her retail store in nonresidential space. There is no shower or tub, and no second entrance. She also seems to think my sister will overcome her problems on her own. I have thought about calling Social Services myself, but I’m afraid Mom would never forgive me. What should I do?

Worried Sister

Dear Worried: If you call Social Services, your sister may get the help she needs, but your mother’s living situation might preclude her from being given custody.. Her home may not be safe in case of a fire or other emergency. Whenever possible, Social Services prefers to keep children with family members. Would you be willing to take the girls? If so, that might solve the problem. Please consider it.

Dear Annie: I have been invited to a wedding on Memorial Day weekend. I have known the bride since she was 3 years old and her parents are dear friends. Here’s my problem: Each year, my sister comes to visit on this same weekend. It’s one of the few times we get together. My sister knows this family through me, but she was not invited to the wedding. Is there an appropriate way for me to ask the mother of the bride if I may bring my sister along? Otherwise, I won’t be able to attend.

Wedding Bell Blues

Dear Blues: Under the circumstances, it is OK to explain your situation to the mother of the bride and give her the opportunity to invite your sister. Simply say, “I want so much to attend the wedding, but my sister will be visiting that weekend and I simply can’t abandon her.” If your friend can accommodate the extra person, she will tell you to bring her. If not, send your regrets.

Dear Annie: Your response to “Alone in Wisconsin” missed the boat. She’s been engaged to “Joe” for four years and two things bug her: He chooses work over spending holidays with her. He provides basic support, but spends extra money on himself.

In short, they don’t share values or dreams. She gets a roof over her head. He gets sex. A four-year engagement says he is not going to marry her. Joe is being honest. He values his career over her. He values his toys over her. She is foolish to expect he will be other than who he is today. Building a budget on two incomes won’t convince him to share her life. If he marries her, she should be prepared to meet his needs and not have any of her own. Today’s irritations will eventually be grounds for divorce.

Rev. Tom in Oregon

Dear Rev. Tom: We agree that they aren’t off to an auspicious start, but once she has her own income, we’re hoping things will change for the better. Of course, if we had a crystal ball, it would be a lot easier to give advice.

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. Copyright 2008 Crteators Syndicate Inc.