The Single Life: Sick of this? Me, too (Part II)

I have had the editorial gall to leave you on one of 50 buses, in a group with 2,999 other sick people for seven days.

Dr. D’Mone and his staff of four have been standing around on one foot and another waiting for us to arrive. Everyone is generally in a peckish mood. I don’t blame you.

Those of you who filled out the questionnaire and stated that you were really sick did a fine job of making a well-designed paper airplane, as requested. Some were quite original and aerodynamically designed — especially the ones that made it from the rear of the bus.

I am sorry that we had to ask some questions, but the more the doctor knows about you, the quicker he can come to some sort of diagnosis and the sooner he can bill your insurance provider ... or not. I must admit that the question if you were married or single or “other” stumped many of you. The Internal Revenue Service worries about these things. I’m just covering my you-know-what.

As we pull our 50 buses into the drugstore parking lot, you will note that there is very little room between parking spaces. You must be very careful of yourself, too. Watch where you are going.

Some buses may have to recalculate where to park and may be unable to see you in their side-view mirrors. I have word that several buses were held up due to automobile drivers going too slow in the fast lane.

Let’s see — one last thing. Please check that you have your driver’s license, credit card, checkbook, Medicare information and prescription card. Also have in mind a general idea of all the medications you have taken in the last 10 years. I know this last item seems a little overboard, but shots are shots and prescription drugs will give the doctor a snapshot as to your general health.

The wristband you were given upon taking your seat is a state-of-the-art, non FDA approved, monitor that has already taken your temperature and your blood pressure. I am most proud of this since I hold the patent. The doctor or his assistant will snip off this band then look at your tongue, listen to your lungs and make the diagnosis on the spot, at which point you are asked to return to your bus unless there are further tests you may need.

Doing the math again, I imagine you will see the doctor or his assistants sometime in the next 30 hours.

I would also appreciate your filling in the card that can be found in the seat in front of you. We will read every one and would love to have your e-mail address so that we can contact you again when we come through town next flu season.

Be sure to stop by the pharmacy to have your prescription filled if the doctor believes you need one. This special drugstore is also eagerly awaiting your business. They have designated one pharmacy specialist to take care of all your business. That would be my sister, so be nice.

Now, as a writer and a reader, we will step away from this silliness. I’ve loved having you along with me and I must honestly say you are just the best company in the world. You have endured a journey of epic proportions just to have someone else tell you that you are maybe down with the flu or the cold that has been making us miserable.

Please listen to your body. It knows more about you than anyone else! It will make you dial up the doctor’s office or send you off to buy some cough drops and a nice jar of Vicks. Drink plenty of fluids and most of all, rest. All it cost you was the price of this paper. Bunch of smart cookies you are.

Mary Ann Linforth is a Green Valley freelance writer. Contact her at maryannlinforth@aol.com.