Movie Review: ‘10,000 B.C.’ fails history

A solid romance, OK graphics and a terrible storyline probably isn’t what are expected of the new epic “stampeding into theaters near you.” “10,000 B.C.” had the optimum framework set up to create the greatest of adventures, too bad the art contained within is a ponderous mess (even if left up for interpretation).

Frequently belief has to be suspended in order to enjoy this genre—“10,000 B.C.” is so far-fetched even disbelief has to be shelved.

Exhibit a: The main characters speak English with an American accent throughout. Not going to give a history lesson here, but when the movie is named after a period in history it should be historically sound (or at least attempt to be). And you thought subtitles were distracting.

Opening in a primitive mountain village where generations have spent hunting the great “mammock” (which are really woolly mammoths), 10K B.C. has pacing problems from the start. There’s an aging oracle/matriarch who spouts out unintelligible prophecies and the “story” ensues after a dull while. Exotic men on “four-legged demons” steal half of the village people—including a blue-eyed girl named Evolet (Camilla Belle) who is often at the center of foresaid prophecies and the love interest of the will-be hero D’ Leh (another relatively unknown actor in Steven Strait).

The “Lord Of the Rings”-imitated pack takes off after the village people and the girl. (There will be many mentions of other films in this review because all director Roland Emmerich did was borrow and taint parts of epics society holds near and dear.) The ace hunters, who must eventually become warriors, are able to follow their trail through snowy mountains because Evolet leaves them bread crumbs in the form of jewelry.

The people thief’s ultimate destination is the building of the great pyramids—where the men, women and children will work as slaves to build the testament to the gods. There’s a wide shot of Cairo and all that’s going on (reminiscent of “Stargate”) that’s magnificent. More of these shots may have propelled this one into at least 2 Star territory.

There is also action in this adventure, though it’s inadequate. The woolly mammoth chases are way too short, D’Leh’s meeting with a saber toothed tiger turns into a joke when he says to beast, “Do not eat me when I set you free,” and that large eye highlighted in the preview belongs to a killer ostrich-looking thing. Velociraptors need not apply, darn it!

The love story keeps things going in a semi-cognitive motion, but the script and characters are so all over at times “Star Wars” confusion levels are reached. Sci-fi, meet the mammoths.

And technology is getting too big for it’s britches. Roger Clemens is on HGH and 10K B.C. is on CGI. At times the graphics make it seem like the National Geographic channel on steroids and at times it’s cartoonish. Either way it distracts from a storyline that is already perplexing enough.

“10,000 B.C.” lacked the conviction of “Apocalypto”, the wow factor of “Jurassic Park” and the courage of “Braveheart.” Save your 10 bucks unless you absolutely loooove this kind of stuff (emphasis on stuff).

Adrienne Mackey is a freelance movie reviewer. Hear her talk a lot more about movies on “The KLPX Wake-Up Call with Scott Barnett” weekday mornings from 5-10 on 96.1 KLPX.

Movie Review

1.5/4 Stars

Adventure/Drama

Run time: 1 hours, 39 minutes.

Rated PG-13: For sequences of intense action and violence.

Starring: Steven Strait, Camilla Belle, Cliff Curtis, Joel Virgel.

Written by: Roland Emmerich, Harald Kloser.

Directed by: Roland Emmerich.