Movie Review: ‘Fool’s Gold’ is just that

“Fools Gold” is being compared to “Romancing the Stone” (probably by some clever studio ad execs). A good-looking man and woman go on an “adventure.” This is where any “comparisons” end — “Fool’s Gold” is better left dead in the water.

Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson have made major career mistakes. McConaughey showed that he can more than act in “We Are Marshall” and Hudson was nominated for an Oscar (you won’t believe it after watching this drivel) for her stellar performance in “Almost Famous.” It’s painful to watch them as newly divorced wannabe adventurers fumbling their way through one bad scene after another.

Finn (McConaughey) is an always flaky treasure seeker who accidentally stumbles upon a rare plate that he believes will ultimately lead him to find the queen’s dowry worth $500 million dollars.

There should be a shirt off counter at the bottom corner of the screen throughout this film because McConaughey starts out bearing his chest and never quits. He’s no Darryl Hannah in “Splash,” though it often seems he’s trying to be.

The usually charming Hudson is dull and seems unaffected in every situation. The horrendous ying to McConaughey’s yan, it’s as if intensity cannot register on her perpetually tanned face. The climax has Tess (Hudson) confined in a cave, fighting for her life and it’s like you’re watching her on a trip to the grocery store.

Try to follow the story. Several soliloquies have Finn discussing the logistics of the treasure. He goes on and on, but is so goofy it’s hard to listen to what he has to say. Usually this is where the protagonist gains respect — an impossible feat for any poorly written character here.

Donald Sutherland shows up as a member of a horrible supporting cast which includes a Ukrainian sidekick and a couple of gay chefs. Characters thrown in for laughs that don’t really fit into the plot are just another sad ingredient in this recipe for disaster.

Director Andy Tennant brought us enjoyable hits like “Hitch” and “Sweet Home Alabama.” He also directed “Fools Rush In.” That must be why he signed on to this — he likes to head projects with the word fool in them.

The scenery is all Bahamas, which would usually have a calming affect, but you’ll be too busy scratching your head to relax for one second.

The most annoying soundtrack ever accompanies this ill-fated mess. At every juncture there’s a tropical theme trying to set the fun mood. Tennant should have re-written lines instead of injecting false ambiance. When Bob Marley’s finally heard it seems like an insult that his tunes were even included.

“I’m pretty sure hell just froze over,” is a meant-to-be zany one-liner tossed out by Hudson’s “character”. It must have. Otherwise this talented cast would’ve run screaming as soon as this script graced their secretary’s desk.

Walking out of the theater people looked disillusioned. One patron said, “I want to vomit.” A perfect four word review.

Adrienne Mackey writes freelance movie review for the Green Valley News.

Movie Review

1/4 Stars

Action/Adventure/Comedy/Romance

Run time: 1 hour, 53 minutes.

Rated PG-13 for action violence, some sexual material, brief nudity and language.

Starring: Matthew McConaughey, Kate Hudson.

Directed by: Andy Tennant.

Written: John Claflin, Daniel Zelman.