Talk of the Town: New Year’s quotes

The New Year may be a significant event for many people. But the absurdities of the celebration cannot escape a skeptic’s mind. Here are some funny New Year quotes, thanks to About.com.

What better way to start a New Year than with a hearty laugh? You can share your joy by greeting everybody with these funny New Year quotes.

Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens/Nov. 30, 1835?-April 21, 1910), better known by the pen name Mark Twain, was an American humanist, humorist, satirist, lecturer and writer.

“New Year’s Day?-now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.”

“New Year’s is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.”

Bill Vaughan (American columnist and author/?Oct. 8, 1915?-Feb. 25, 1977)

“Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve.”

“ Middle age is when you’re forced to. An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.”

P. J. O’Rourke (an American political satirist, journalist, and writer. He was educated at Miami University and Johns Hopkins University)

“The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.”

Jay Leno (an Emmy Award-winning American comedian and television host, who succeeded Johnny Carson as host of The Tonight Show in 1992, and as of 2007 has served as host for roughly half the amount of time that Carson served.)

“Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year’s resolution.”

James Agate (Sept. 9, 1877- June 6, 1947) was a British diarist and critic, and a notable collector of aphorisms. In the period between the wars, he was one of Britain’s most popular theatre critics.

New Year’s Resolution: “To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.”

Oprah Winfrey (born January 29, 1954) is the American multiple-Emmy Award winning host of The Oprah Winfrey Show, the highest-rated talk show in television history.

“Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right.”

Anonymous

“Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.”

Oscar Wilde born Oscar Fingal O’Flahertie Wills Wilde (Oct. 16, 1854 - Nov. 30, 1900) was an Irish playwright, novelist, poet, and author of short stories. Known for his barbed wit, he was one of the most successful playwrights of late Victorian London, and one of the greatest celebrities of his day.

“Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.”

Anonymous

“A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other.”

Leonard Bernstein (Aug. 25, 1918 - Oct. 14, 1990) was an American conductor, composer, author, music lecturer and pianist.

“From New Year’s on the outlook brightens; good humor lost in a mood of failure returns. I resolve to stop complaining.”

For those of you who haven’t purchased your 2008 calendar yet, there’s always the “2008 Bad Dog” calendar featuring Continental School District’s preschool director Jenny Lichtsinn’s dog “Sandy.”

Sandy was selected last August to appear in Workman Publishing’s “2008 Bad Dog” calendar series, both in the desk calendar, and wall calendar versions. Her owners say that sandy previously appeared in Workman Publishing’s 2005 book, “Bad Dog.”

“In real life, Sandy isn’t all that bad, but has been known to cause a few bruises with her strong tail,” Jenny adds.

Bad Dog Wall Calendar: Adorable? Uh-uh. Charming? Not even close. Lovable? Well, maybe to a mother—or maybe not.

Adapted from Bad Dog, the New York Times best seller with more than 437,000 copies in print, the Bad Dog wall calendar is an impossible-to resist, full-color year of bad habits, bad attitudes, and bad breath. With tons of new material, it’s a disturbing look at the dark side of canine life.

Here are dogs dressed in bad outfits. Dogs scowling, dogs drooling, dogs clearly tired of rolling out the “cute” act again. Full-color photographs of over 300 outspoken, indecent, and overdressed dogs. Includes 12 free, full-color postcards and a full-of-attitude poster!

To order, go to amazon.com or workman.com.

Another two special calendars by Workman Publishing worth considering is 365 Days of Duct Tape Page-A-Day Calendar 2008 by Jim Berg and Tim Nyberg.

Jim and Tim are two goofy guys who’ve turned duct tape into a bona fide phenomenon. For 2008, it’s another year devoted to spreading the gospel of this singular adhesive. Duct tape camping: to protect against mosquitoes and ticks, simply wrap your entire body in duct tape.

Duct tape partying: Elvis-ize your boring ol’ suit with duct tape flourishes in various colors.

Plus duct tape poetry, Sunday travel hints, tales from the Duct Tape Diner, wacky two’s day, duct tape classic tips, and lots of fun projects, including fabulous duct tape prom dresses and even a duct tape canoe. (The authors suggest trying it out in shallow water).

Amado Inn Mysteries proudly presents, “Betrayal in the Jalapeno Cantina,” a murder mystery dinner theater production, opening January at the Amado Territory Ranch 3001 E. Frontage Road, Amado

The new show is from the cast that gave you “Murder on the Low Seas” and “I Died Too Early in the Morning,” all written and directed by Davey Jones.

Opening night is Jan 18, with shows continuing Jan. 19, 25, 26; Feb 1, 2, 22, 23; Mar 7, 8, 28, 29; April 4, 5, 25, and 26. The dinner/show is $35 each (including tax and tip) and features a three-course meal, hors d’ouvres and, of course, the fabulously funny show with six musical numbers. Happy hour is 5:30 p.m. followed by the show at 6 p.m.

To book your seat in the newly constructed Diana Madaras Center, call 398-8684.

“Betrayal in the Jalapeno Cantina” is an historical (and hysterical) re-enactment of the Gadsden Purchase The year is 1853 and the purchase of Mexican land takes place in the Jalapeno Cantina. The participants have varied views of the legitimacy of the sale, and one of them is “permanently removed.” Who would go this far to make this deal work? That’s what the audience will have to discover.

The show stars Dana Willens and Claudia Andrews as the Fernandez-Hernandez sisters, while Marilyn Schum plays Senorita Margarita, running her Jalapeno Cantina with an iron fist.

The Hernandez-Fernandez siblings are played by Pam Campbell, Beth Davis and Davey Jones, while the part of James Gadsden (“you can call me Jimmy”) goes to Randy Davis. Mary Campbell-Jones, as Melba Toast, cannot deal with living so far in the past as she tries her best to assist Gadsden.

rford@gvnews.com